ok, im so bored i cannot even stand myself. i missed 3 days of work last week bc i was so sick, and since i don't have insurance like an inner city drug addict, went to one of those 24 hour doctors where no one cares about you and the walls are peeling off. well anyway, me and my doctor became bff's. he was so funny, and (now that i think about it probs not qualified) but he tried to figure out what was wrong with me and he narrowed it down to 1) ruptured ovary (which grosses me out so much i cant even say anything else about it 2) hernia (obv from lifting weights) and 3) kidney stone.. all of which sound horrendous and expensive since i dont have insurance and i dont think they were running a sale on kidney stone operations so i was panicking.. but guess what?? it was gas.. how embarrassing is that? they took an x ray and i apparently just had soo much gas inside me.. im officially mortified.. anyway, i did who ever PULL MY BACK OUT FROM THROWING UP SO HARD ON NEW YEARS DAY.. yeah.. pulled my back out, my hangovers are insane! i havent drank since then
anyway, im back at work. not doing a damn thing this week.. and i still dont have a full time job. which means i still make 500 bucks a month and bring a sac lunch with egg salad and a caprisun, i am really doing it.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
LIRR: Next stop: FREELOADSVILLE
Ok.. My morning commute literally sucks as it is. I have to sprint down the tracks because my mom lets me out on her way to work near the deli by the station. I'm always late, I always have coffee with me and it always goes everywhere (note: the time it fell INSIDE my bag) ANYWAY I made it all the way to jamaica station, while some cock in a sherlock trench coat come by TAKES MY TICKET and keeps walking. I have an issue: I call my Dad for jsut about every question, and the only thing running through my mind was: SHIT, SHOULD THIS GUY BE ALLOWED TO TAKE MY TICKET?? I NEED TO ASK MY DAD IF THIS IS A MIX UP" So. I keep on starring at him until HE walks up to the conductor and says "this is my ticket, im switching seats" so when the conductor came by I obv started freaking out and sweating that they were going to throw me off for not having a ticket but turns out he coudl not give a shit.. but i am LIVID about this jerk. I almost followed him to work just to trip him.. or to yell out "I'm pregnant with your baby" or "I know it was you who farted in the boss' cup of coffee Tuesday!!!!" something along those lines.
But all I can do is stew in my own anger.. I am SICK of people freeloading.. hello? free samples?? people make it a meal.. get a chicklet size hot pocket and be on your way, sir! Some of us really woudl liek to try the new hot pocket recipe and see if it is to our liking (which how can it not be.. a frozen piece of meat in fake cheese with a crispy crunchy tneder flaky crust?? YUM)
Or when people stand in the ice cream shop and taste test all 31 flavors and when she acne ridden-pointy adam's apple young fella asks "what can i get you ma'am" they say "oh, none for me thanks" Really? you just had an equivalanet of 3 scoops.. you "be good" on your diet then
honestly, these people disgust me. I dont know who raised you, but get the hell out of the way and let the 1% of us who know how to be civilized pass through
and PS: to all you Long Island frumpy 40 something women with a FUPA and leather back pack.. STOP CLICKING YOUR GUM.. it's bad enough I watch your maroon dyed lips pronounce every word wrong, but to click your gum while you nod in agreement "right, riiiight exacccctlyyyy" to the other LI FUPA 40's.. is horrendous!! I hate the LIRR!!!!!!!
But all I can do is stew in my own anger.. I am SICK of people freeloading.. hello? free samples?? people make it a meal.. get a chicklet size hot pocket and be on your way, sir! Some of us really woudl liek to try the new hot pocket recipe and see if it is to our liking (which how can it not be.. a frozen piece of meat in fake cheese with a crispy crunchy tneder flaky crust?? YUM)
Or when people stand in the ice cream shop and taste test all 31 flavors and when she acne ridden-pointy adam's apple young fella asks "what can i get you ma'am" they say "oh, none for me thanks" Really? you just had an equivalanet of 3 scoops.. you "be good" on your diet then
honestly, these people disgust me. I dont know who raised you, but get the hell out of the way and let the 1% of us who know how to be civilized pass through
and PS: to all you Long Island frumpy 40 something women with a FUPA and leather back pack.. STOP CLICKING YOUR GUM.. it's bad enough I watch your maroon dyed lips pronounce every word wrong, but to click your gum while you nod in agreement "right, riiiight exacccctlyyyy" to the other LI FUPA 40's.. is horrendous!! I hate the LIRR!!!!!!!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
The homeless and God know about my blog
Well, I trust that everyone else had a great weekend. I for one had the weekend of a 50 year old menopausal woman. Every week since graduation, i look forward to the weekend. That's mainly because when I was a student (just a sad 7 months ago) at my dear old school- everyday was the weekend. My roommates and I would jsut sit aroudn watching hours of Snapped on oxygen just yelling at the tv saying things like, "that is notttt the way to kill your husband!!" we figured out the perfect murder, then would get turkey subs and diet cokes, pound them to the face and start showering for what could only be described as "the best night of our lives." every saturday morning, i layed on the futon telling them lastnight was the best night ever, hands down... now my weekends are total shit. All I ever do is help my mother entertain or catch up on any shows I may have missed. if this is anyones way of telling me that this is what life is like now.. i want no part of it...
also, my week sucks already. Pandora is a bust and keeps cutting out... and i am on the Susan Boyle station..(yes the woman who looks liek the 4th stooge from britains got talent.. i needed to be inspired
inspired i am not, i am one damn good designer and writer for advertising.. and this internship is taking a a tumble! yesterday i got one of those lumps in my throat where you immediately think you swallowed an entire apple and forgot to chew while my direct boss was telling me i'm an idiot (not in those words.. but that's what I took from it) then I cried a little. then I went home and a bum took my wallet out of my pocket.. so there goes the 27 cents i had in there (i was saving up for a cup of coffee) I don't have a license, so there goes my friday ritual of getting tnaked on the train on the ride home next to a working mother of 5 illegitamate kids just trying to get by as i suck em down and she judges me....whatevs
oh and then i got a temporary atm card.. and on my way out.. a new bum burped on me! i hate burps to begin with but a bums burp? that is just pukable
so that was my day in a nutshell.. I thought to myself mostly, "huh, how is this happening?" well.. silver lining.. maybe God knew I jsut started a new blog and haven't posted in a while and needed some new material.. Thanks, God. You're a peach
flo out
also, my week sucks already. Pandora is a bust and keeps cutting out... and i am on the Susan Boyle station..(yes the woman who looks liek the 4th stooge from britains got talent.. i needed to be inspired
inspired i am not, i am one damn good designer and writer for advertising.. and this internship is taking a a tumble! yesterday i got one of those lumps in my throat where you immediately think you swallowed an entire apple and forgot to chew while my direct boss was telling me i'm an idiot (not in those words.. but that's what I took from it) then I cried a little. then I went home and a bum took my wallet out of my pocket.. so there goes the 27 cents i had in there (i was saving up for a cup of coffee) I don't have a license, so there goes my friday ritual of getting tnaked on the train on the ride home next to a working mother of 5 illegitamate kids just trying to get by as i suck em down and she judges me....whatevs
oh and then i got a temporary atm card.. and on my way out.. a new bum burped on me! i hate burps to begin with but a bums burp? that is just pukable
so that was my day in a nutshell.. I thought to myself mostly, "huh, how is this happening?" well.. silver lining.. maybe God knew I jsut started a new blog and haven't posted in a while and needed some new material.. Thanks, God. You're a peach
flo out
Friday, December 4, 2009
When I first unleashed myself during lunch hour in the gay community
Let me start off with the most recent of my "this cannot be happening" moments. I have an internship in manhattan in an ad agency on gay avenue. As safe as it is with the men in their hot pants and roller blades.. friendly it is not. Taking the worst commuters train ever,I was of course running to the 7:04 am with a cup of iced coffee my mother lovingly made for me before dropping me off and sending me to the wolves of the city. After I got situated sitting next to a fat european man who had what I can only describe as a smell so horrible that I think his burrito from last wednesday got stuck under his FUPA and hasn't found it since -and when he does I'm positive he will dip it in sour cream and go to town. But, anyway I get myself together, and what do i do but spill my whole "from mother with love" iced coffee INTO my bag as the conductor sweetly shouts "TIC-ATS!".. not that I had anything of importance in my bag, just your standard intern weekly planner with nothing written in it besides what tv shows are on and last menstrual cycle. But, I now smelt like old half and half- which was surprisingly worse than "Mitch" the homeless guy who talks to me on 3rd ave.
After a few days, I finally realized everyone ignored my "good morning"s and my sweet smiles, I quickly became just as bitter and stoppped telling my boss when I was "running out for a sandwich" but then started just taking 2 hour lunches.
During one of these 2 hour lunches, I had tucked a table cloth into my pants.. getting up after paying the check I took the whole cloth and various ecoutrement with me. Thus, creating an absolute scene with my awkward mumbled "Omg, I hate myself.. oh it's tucked in. gah, gotta get back to the office" (when I get into these jams, I usually just talk myself off the ledge if you will.. and literally speak to myself to calm down.. it works like a charm, but really makes it worse because I'm now adding the fact that I talk to myself to the mix)
Note: The hottest group of gay men were at the table next to me shaking their heads, I imagine saying something to the effect of "There goes another chubby 20 something without a clue.. I should sweep her under my big gay wing"
I tore out of there.. obv. So there I was, speed walking down the streets of chelsea. when I drop my phone, "oh shit, I dropped my phone, let me just quickly bend down to get it! what was that noise? Sounded like a cat's meow.. hmm I don't see any cats.. ohhhhh it was my pants.. my pants split" MY PANTS SPLIT! what am I a black and white 40's sitcom meant to keep morale high? Next I'll have a burn on my face in the shape of an iron- that'll keep the world in stitches.
That was it.. I thought. "forget about your pants splitting and smelling like a dunkin donuts refrigerator that the new guy unplugged by accident.. just head back to the office.. sit down and get ur gchat on"
everything was peachy until I waited on the corner and a truck drove by at lightning speed and splashed mud all over me.. covering my freshly torn pants and old navy top I was passing off as "business casual". Good thing the entire office ignored me, because I was ready to get back on the train by 4:45, pop open a few bud light pints and wait for my parents to get to the train station to find me buzzed, muddy a lot more of a basket case than when I left the house in a mad dash at 7 am.
After a few days, I finally realized everyone ignored my "good morning"s and my sweet smiles, I quickly became just as bitter and stoppped telling my boss when I was "running out for a sandwich" but then started just taking 2 hour lunches.
During one of these 2 hour lunches, I had tucked a table cloth into my pants.. getting up after paying the check I took the whole cloth and various ecoutrement with me. Thus, creating an absolute scene with my awkward mumbled "Omg, I hate myself.. oh it's tucked in. gah, gotta get back to the office" (when I get into these jams, I usually just talk myself off the ledge if you will.. and literally speak to myself to calm down.. it works like a charm, but really makes it worse because I'm now adding the fact that I talk to myself to the mix)
Note: The hottest group of gay men were at the table next to me shaking their heads, I imagine saying something to the effect of "There goes another chubby 20 something without a clue.. I should sweep her under my big gay wing"
I tore out of there.. obv. So there I was, speed walking down the streets of chelsea. when I drop my phone, "oh shit, I dropped my phone, let me just quickly bend down to get it! what was that noise? Sounded like a cat's meow.. hmm I don't see any cats.. ohhhhh it was my pants.. my pants split" MY PANTS SPLIT! what am I a black and white 40's sitcom meant to keep morale high? Next I'll have a burn on my face in the shape of an iron- that'll keep the world in stitches.
That was it.. I thought. "forget about your pants splitting and smelling like a dunkin donuts refrigerator that the new guy unplugged by accident.. just head back to the office.. sit down and get ur gchat on"
everything was peachy until I waited on the corner and a truck drove by at lightning speed and splashed mud all over me.. covering my freshly torn pants and old navy top I was passing off as "business casual". Good thing the entire office ignored me, because I was ready to get back on the train by 4:45, pop open a few bud light pints and wait for my parents to get to the train station to find me buzzed, muddy a lot more of a basket case than when I left the house in a mad dash at 7 am.
How it all started
So, here's what's happening. I'm not a jack of all trades, but I am good at a few things: drinking wine, turning people off with my sarcasm, winning them over once they realize im not a heinous bitch and telling stories. Which I will unveil shortly-don't you worry. I've done enough embarrassing things and seen some shit that most people don't even dream of.
First though, a little about myself. Graduated in '09 from a school mixed with over-achieving young jews, huge black men and more sorority girls you could shake a roofie at... it was a mixed bag. And you'd think hailing from the longest island, i'd fit right in but not cigar.. i ended up having a roommate named after japanese food (she was russian, very confusing) and accidentally gaining 40 lbs when it was jsut supposed to be 15. woops. i also thought it woudl be a great idea to join rugby.. which was great at first but 90 ppl mistaking me for a lesbian later- i was over it.. you'll see later on that joining that team may have been the funniest choice of my life.
First though, a little about myself. Graduated in '09 from a school mixed with over-achieving young jews, huge black men and more sorority girls you could shake a roofie at... it was a mixed bag. And you'd think hailing from the longest island, i'd fit right in but not cigar.. i ended up having a roommate named after japanese food (she was russian, very confusing) and accidentally gaining 40 lbs when it was jsut supposed to be 15. woops. i also thought it woudl be a great idea to join rugby.. which was great at first but 90 ppl mistaking me for a lesbian later- i was over it.. you'll see later on that joining that team may have been the funniest choice of my life.
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